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EMS comedy
Rules of EMS

-Skin signs tell all.

-Sick people don't complain

-Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.

-Newbies have there own way of doing things.

-The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.

-There are no rules

-All bleeding stops....eventually.

-All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.

-If the child is quiet, be scared.

-Always be smart enough to follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.

-If the patient vomits in the rig try to hold thier head to the side of the rig with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.

-If someone dies by chemical hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene dangers make sure it's not you.

-There will be problems.

-You can't cure stupidity

-If it's wet and sticky and not yours, LEAVE IT ALONE!

-EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror.

-Every Emergency has three phases PANIC, FEAR, AND REMORSE.

-You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream.

-Rocket scientists that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.

-Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.

-Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and not a medicated bandage.

-Paramedics save lives; But it's EMT skills that save Paramedics.

-When a patient vomits outside, be sure to aim it at the citizens who wouldn't back up.

-Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be fully stocked,especially if the grew clocking out says "everythings good to go"

-If you don't have it, don't give up, Adapt, Improvise, Overcome, (then call for a second unit).

-There is no such thing as a "textbook case"

-Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa.

-There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the way you planned.

-If there are no drunks at an MVA  after midnight, keep looking, some one is missing.

-Just cause your partner is paranoid doesn't mean the Supervisor is around the corner.

-Remember what MICN stands for, "May I interrupt your Call Now?".

-Just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.

Stupid EMS Definitions

Artery...the study of painting
Bacteria...the back door of the cafeteria
Barium...what the doctors do when patients die
Bowel..a letter like A, E, I, O or U
Cesarean Section...a neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan...searching for the kitty
Cauterize...made eye contact with her
Colic...a sheep dog
D & C...where Washington is live long
Enema...not a friend
GI Series...a soldiers ball game
Hangnail...a coat hook
Impotent...distinguished, well known
Labor Pains...getting hurt at work
Medical Staff...a doctor's cane
Morbid...a higher offer
Nitrates...cheaper than day rates
Node...was aware of
Outpatients...a person who fainted
Pap Smear...a fatherhood test
Pelvis...a cousin of Elvis
Post Operative...a letter carrier
Recovery Room...a place to do reupholstery
Rectum...dang near killed them
Seizure...a Roman emperor
Tablet...a small table
Tumor...more than one more
Urine...opposite of you're out